Perspective

I've had these feelings, particularly in the past year since re-socializing, where I become extremely resentful of those around me. It could be close friends or even just reading something someones divulged on facebook. I get angry when people complain about dumb things or somehow turn the fact that they are stuck in traffic into a catastrophic event that they need to dramatize for hundreds of people to read. I hate when I get these feelings because it worries me about how I will interact with my peers once I begin my post-proctocolectomy life.

I don't want to act like what I have been through somehow makes me better than others, but I guess when other people complain about stupid shit I equate this to a lack of acknowledgement on their part about the severity of my illness. I am not the one to initiate a conversation about what I'm dealing with, but also, it doesn't take much to open me up. Hence this blog. I think what I struggle with is a desire to share my life with peers, but no one wants to be the one to bring up talk of infections in your butt, poop, and barf. So I sit back and wait, and if that interest is never shown, the resent kicks in.

I also understand that I do have amazing people in my life. Of course I still want to hear the dumb, everyday stories of my friends because let's face it, some of my friends do really dumb things from time to time that really make me laugh. Certainly they aren't going to change the fact that they want to complain about inane happenings in life, because I am still me, and thats what friends are for. I think it all comes down to the fact that I need to open up more so I don't resent those silly moments when a friend wants to bitch about a guy not calling her back.

Last week one of my friends wrote something on Facebook about how seeing the circumstances of someone elses life allowed her to put her own problems in perspective because they were small in comparison. And I think this is an incredibly mature, rare thing nowadays. Everyone, myself included, could benefit from really looking at their life and appreciating the many blessings to be grateful for.

I'm aware that my thoughts are very much a contradiction. This paradox leaves me wanting people to treat me the same, yet sometimes getting frustrated when they do. I guess it's a matter of balance and feeling like I can still be the great friend I know I am but also receive the support I'm not always honest about needing.

It seems that no matter how content we are with our lives we are looking for something wrong when sometimes life is just really really good. It's as simple as that. And my advice is to embrace it in the moment because you never know how long it will last. It's all about perspective.