It's about that time...

It's so damn easy to fall into a rut with this disease. I usually snap out of it swiftly but this past week was especially rough. I think there have just been a lot of emotions as of late that have surfaced after seeing my doctor in Maryland. Combined with being off the steroids and feeling like shit, it was a lot to handle. I spent a lot of time inside this week just because things were so bad that I wasn't comfortable doing anything.

So today I cracked and started taking steroids again. I always told myself I wouldn't take them if the benefits didn't outweigh the drawbacks. I didn't think they were doing much for me until I came completely off them and realized quickly that they were in fact keeping me somewhat functional. At this point I know a lot of things will be realized in the next several months and my hope is that I will only have to be on them until there's some finality here.

At this point, after spending so much of the last year in bed, I think I need to focus on doing whatever possible to have me living some semblance of a life. I know I won't be back to working until things are really figured out, but if steroids help me play field hockey every week and get me to Phillies games, then I need to take them. I've neglected my soul and my mind because everything has been so focused on the physical. After this week of laying around and getting down on myself about my situation, I need to be out again and being active. It keeps me happier and makes me much more equipped to handle the many weighty decisions I have to make.

I have indeed scheduled my colonoscopy at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore with my old doctor for May 13th. So I guess I have decided to put my trust in him again. I know if it wasn't for distance I would be making this decision much easier. But like everyone keeps telling me, if distance is the only aspect keeping me from returning there, then I should just go with it because there is nothing like a good doctor with whom you have established trust and respect. And that's what I feel like I have down there. And while I know the end result might still be a proctocolectomy, I would rather come to that conclusion with his treatment plan than the one up here in Philly.

So the next two weeks I am sure I'll start to feel better since I bumped my dosage back up to 40MG of steroids. I am hoping I can turn my colonoscopy into a weekend trip to Baltimore so I can reunite with some of my friends. We'll see how I feel. They are all such great people who support me from afar. Sometimes you just need that face to face time. And there are many faces I need to see.